Out of Reach
by Mone
Summary: Language, short, yaoi hints, Schu's mind is a total mess


Title: Out of reach  
Author: Mone  
Part 1/1  
Warnings: VERY short, Language, Angst, yaoi hints  
Disclaimers: The Characters of Weiß Kreuz belong to their respective owner (whoever that is ^^;;) and I don't make any profit with this.  
Summary: Schu's mind is a total mess   
Rating: NC-17  
  
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Out of Reach  
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Crawford. Brad Crawford.  
  
I don't know if his real name is Bradley. I know nothing more than those two words about him.   
  
He knows everything about me. I never told him, hell I'm the mind reader!   
He probably read my file at SZ or something, it doesn't matter anyway.   
  
He is sitting next to me in his chair with that stupid laptop in front of him. So near but yet so far. I can never reach him.   
  
I wonder if he knows how I feel. Probably not. He's a workaholic. I try to slip into his mind, but I can't reach it.   
  
It's like he doesn't have one.  
  
Nagi enteres the room. I like him, though I don't show it. He seems so innocent.  
  
Innocent.  
  
That's something I've never been.  
  
He ignores Crawford and me. As usual.  
  
Everyone in this fucked up household lives for themselves.   
  
But I guess that's the best. I don't wanna hear Crawford comlplaining about his stocks or Nagi about his school grades. I don't care.   
  
Farfarello? He's not as crazy as he seems to be. I'm sure that he can feel pain, not physical pain, REAL pain.   
  
Whatever.  
  
Sometimes I wish I'd be dead. I wish that I wouldn't be in Schwarz, in this self-wrapped bunch of mad men. Guess I'd be dead if SZ wouldn't have found me on the streets. Dead, for sure. Would be better, though.   
  
No one would miss me anyway.   
  
I'd sell my soul for someone who would miss me. I've always been alone in my entire life. I can't even remember my mother's face. But I'm so tired of that. I want someone to care for me. To heal all the pain that I can't show.  
  
I look up. Nagi sits across the table and eats his breakfast, unreadable expression on his face, as usual.   
  
I know that if I'd ask him how things are going on, he'd say "everything's all right". That's shit. I can see that something's bothering him. He's like me, never show your emotions. He's like all of us. But Nagi fails in pretending. I doubt that Crawford would notice, but i can see his worries, though I don't know what's on his mind. I don't dare to read him, his telekinetic powers could fry my brains.   
  
I sigh.  
  
No one cares.   
  
As usual.   
  
I wonder if they would still ignore me if I'd masturbate right here on the table.   
  
I snicker.   
  
No one cares.   
  
I wanna get out of here. But I can't. SZ ruined my life and gave me heaven at the same time. This apartement is probably one of the most expensive ones in Tokyo. I have everything. My own red Porsche, lots of designer clothes, about 6 Berettas with my Initials engraved.   
  
Everything?   
  
Definately not.   
  
Hope. Freedom. Love. Friendship.   
  
I have none of those. I can't even dream anymore. I stopped dreaming long ago.   
  
I want to scream at him. I want him to hold me, not to just take my body. He's using me. And I'm using him. I need to feel him. I need him to feel alive. I want to touch his raven black hair. I want to look into those beautiful dark eyes and I want to kiss him.   
  
But not only for a moment.   
  
I close my eyes and touch my hair. My hair. Long orange-red locks. Like fire.  
  
I don't wear my hair long because I think I'm sexy that way. Sure I am, but I have other reasons. I need my hair. I can hide myself behind my hair. It protects me. I feel exposed when I don't feel my bangs on my cheeks and that scares me. Being exposed. Seeing myself naked in a chap hotel. Being touched by strangers. It seems so real behind my closed eyelids that I snap my eyes open.   
  
No one noticed and I'm glad.   
  
I've put up with my past. At least that's what I'm telling myself. I know I haven't. I still feel their hands on my skin. I can feel their breath and I can hear their moans. I don't want this, but I can't run away from my past. I guess that's the punishment for my sins.   
  
Schuldig. Guilty.  
  
I used to love this name. I started to call myself this when I was vey young. I don't remember the name my parents gave me.   
  
It doesn'r matter.   
  
Suddenly Crawford gets up. I look at my watch. Time for our mission.   
Nagi is already gone.   
  
I look at Crawford. Time is frozen. He looks at me.   
  
I smile. A honest smile.   
  
He leaves the room.  
  
Out of reach. 


End file.
